Different and Differentiated

in All Entries  by Paddy Ducklow 0 comments

Leaders are odd in lots of ways. They usually think about what you and I think about but they do so in different ways. They handle feelings peculiarly to most others too — somehow they seem less interrupted by them. They self-define more, that is, they seem to operate out of some kind of inner value system. And that is why they are leaders and we follow them.

Leadership is not so much about books read, the charisma of your presence, your vast and varied resume. Leadership is more about how you handle “the buzz,” that angst that operates between people that makes some people merge or fuse (e.g. gossip), or run or retreat.

Lots of us lead and we lead best when we observe what is going on between people rather than trying to be smarter, have the last word, support the growing consensus, etc. Focusing less on issues or presenting problems and more on observing the emotional process, helps leaders lead.

Murray Bowen (the originator of Family Systems Theory) and Edwin Friedman (author of “Failure of Nerve“) believe that the key to leadership success is emotional self-differentiation. So what the heck is that?

The following You Tube is a simple and delightful definition about this concept. It is called The Differentiated Leader — Key to the Kingdom. Enjoy.

Basic “To-Dos” of Marriage

in All Entries  by Paddy Ducklow 0 comments

I like this marriage list a lot. It summarizes many of the basic “to-dos” of marriage. It was written by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busting” fame. [See “10 Marriage New Year’s Resolutions for 2011” though this is good advice for anytime.]

1)  Make relationship goal-setting a priority- before weight loss or cutting back on drinking or smoking.

Since close to one out of every two first marriages end in divorce- and generally within 4 to 7 years- with extraordinarily detrimental effects to our health, we should switch our focus from personal to relationship improvement. The health benefits of marital fitness are monumental! [Note: the 1/2 first marriage divorce stat is not a Canadian reality. Canadian stats are about 38%.]

2. Have several date nights a month.

Don’t justify a lack of regular quality couples time for any reason, including the kids. The best thing you can do for your children is put your marriage first. You don’t have to spend a lot of money or do something extravagant. You just have to plan alone time that is uninterrupted.

3. Spend at least ten minutes every day checking in with each other.

Don’t let a day pass without finding out how your spouse is doing. It’s like putting blood in the blood bank. When the going gets tough, you will be able to draw on your savings! And when you ask how your partner is doing, truly listen to his or her response. Be present. Don’t multitask or it won’t count!

4. Tell your spouse three things you appreciate about him or her EVERY DAY.

Focus on what works in your relationship and what your spouse does well. What you focus on expands. And don’t just notice the positive things, tell your spouse about your gratitude!

5. Don’t go to sleep angry.

Although this is not always easy, especially when you think you’re right, declaring a moratorium before you start sawing zzzz’s will make for a fresh start in the morning. And by the way, you can still be somewhat angry and follow this advice anyway. It will begin to melt the ice.

6. Touch, flirt and have sex regularly.

Remember what your relationship was like in the beginning? If more couples pressed the reset button and pretended they just met, their marriage would continue to sizzle.

7. Brag about your spouse to others in his or her presence.

There’s a saying, “Let me see what I (you) say, so I know what I (you) think.” Speaking in glowing terms about your spouse in front of others feels like a public endorsement and that feels good.

8. Speak from the heart frequently.

Although one partner is usually more verbal than the other, regular discussions about personal/emotional issues makes people feel closer and more connected.

9. Learn how to fight fairly.

In all marriages, conflict in inevitable. However, how you fight can be the difference between lifelong relationship growth and divorce. Learn how to have constructive conversations about heated issues. Take a marriage seminar that focuses on fair fighting skills.

10. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Don’t forget to laugh.

Remember how you used to laugh at each other’s jokes and life seemed to be more light-hearted? Don’t lose your sense of humor, even when it comes to problem-solving. Laughter is life’s and love’s best medicine.

11 Old Ideas for a New 2011

in All Entries  by Paddy Ducklow 0 comments

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. But I do make decisions (whatever the month) that lead me in an intentional life and principled walk. Here are some that I am working on currently. It helps me when I am overly introspective or worried.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile at people, the trees and your inner thoughts. Walking is the ultimate anti-depressant and if you are depressed, increase the walk to 60 minutes a day. (Not working out in the gym.)

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes daily. Do more wondering than intercession, struggle and worry. It is okay to use music to help you. (I love the cello.)

3. Write a gratitude list weekly. (Use your computer “Notes” section if you wish.) Check to see if the gratitude vector is going up.

4. Waking up in the morning, complete the following statement, “My purpose is to __________ (fill in the blank) today.”

5. Live life with the 3 E’s – energy, excellence and empathy. By the way, excellence isn’t perfectionism. It is just doing an excellent thing.

6. Greet people with the 3 I’s – innocence, inclusion and importance.

7. Spend time with and learn the names of people over the age of 70 and under the age of 10.

8. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants, and eat less food that is manufactured in buildings.

9. Smile and laugh more. If it helps, watch “Modern Family” or “The Office.” Good places to begin.

10. Say to yourself, “Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.” Add your insights to 3 above.

11. When conflicting, help the other person “win,” or at least get their point across. Way more fun than winning yourself and probably more truthful too.

Why Do You Do the Things You Do?

in All Entries  by Paddy Ducklow 0 comments

That is what I ask myself when I screw up. (“Why the heck did I do that?”) And it is what I ask of you, my client friends, when you ruin your best chance to live an effective and gracious life. (“Tell me why you did that again?”) When I ask why you did something, I am probably thinking about a “trinity” of A’s.

A1 – My first “A” is “attention.” All of us need it, our souls would shrivel without it, and we are designed to give attention to others and absorb it for ourselves. Saying, “She just wants attention” is, of course, true. Take the dismissive tone away and you understand one of the great human motivators.

A2 is “affection”, that someone (hopefully, many “someones”) would want us, worry about our well being, look forward to our coming home for the evening, initiate a really great gladness, that kind of thing. It is why we marry and, when it is missing, the reason that many have their spirits broken and consequently break their relationships.

And A3 is “approval.” This is when someone catches you doing something right and commenting on it. It is the basis of self-esteem in children and surely adults as well. It is related to “thankfulness,” that spirited quality that finds the good in someone and notices it out loud. Shouting approval is good and whispering criticism is a good idea, too.

These 3 A’s are motivators for life and some of the reasons for being. It is why we do the things we do.

Imagine your life where you grew up being noticed and wanted and thanked. If you can imagine this, you can imagine health and wellbeing.

Imagine your life where you feel misplaced, where love has to be earned with good grades or perfection of another sort, and where your triumphs get lost in the busyness of stuff. If you can imagine this, you can imagine fatigue, depression, loneliness and giving up.