Life ID: Identifying Your Life

in All Entries  by Paddy Ducklow 0 comments

The most influential thinker in the fifth century BC was Socrates whose dedication to careful reasoning is expressed in the aphorism that “the unexamined life is not worth living” (Apology 38a).

So how does one identify a life worth living?

Conversation, information, friendship, challenge, care – these are some of the elements that enable a life examination.

Also, unbiased psychological and vocational assessments and interviews – what we call Life ID – are helpful components in the process of identity discovery for adults in personal, relational and vocational work or transition. These kind of life changes call out for an examination of our lives so that we don’t make the same mistakes again and so that we can add wisdom to our experience.

We all have an identity – the person we know we are and the person that is lived out in our relational world. We can identify ourselves … mostly.

But there are hidden parts of our lives, aspects of our personalities that others can see but that we are blind to. Our “blindness” is carried into our family, business and team worlds and it is this area that limits our leadership and personal success.

For more about a psychological audit for your vocational and personal life, see “Life ID: Assessments for Life.”

Hungers: 4 Steps of Sexual Intimacy

in All Entries  by Paddy Ducklow 0 comments

Couple therapy is always about sex therapy eventually. It may not be the first thing mentioned but it comes up long before the 3rd thing, whatever that might be.

I think of 4 levels of sexual hunger for wives and husbands.

Won’t or Would (but) — Couples avoid sexual intimacy for lots of reasons (e.g. broken trust, lack of practice, fears, medical difficulties, etc.). When couples “won’t,” or “I would if you weren’t such a ______,” anger builds and the relationship becomes cold and parallel, only joined by non-intimate things.

Waiting or Watching — Some couples are watching for the other to prove their desire, rather than initiate themselves. They are “waiters,” hoping for more and usually blaming the other for the lack of sexual friendship they experience. Sometimes people are waiting for the right context or response, like a Jamaican holiday.

Willing or Welcoming — The willing spouse (usually the woman) will satisfy the sexual desires of the other (usually the husband) but not be satisfied themselves. This is like being a missionary to the sexual needs of the spouse.

Wanting or Wishing – This is sexual hunger, a loving lust and longing that produces a marvelous merging. That is, if both partners are on the same step.

Sometimes one partner is on one step (e.g. a sad waiting) and the other is on another (e.g. a needy wanting). Frustration and fractious conflict is usually the result of this misstep.

At other times the couple are together on step 1 (e.g. exhausted from work and caring for a sick infant) and at other times they luxuriate at level 4.

I tell you this to give you a vocabulary for your sexual hunger. It helps to know where your spouse “is” rather than guess. It helps to know where you are as well.

Bombing Afghanistan Doesn’t Work

in All Entries  by Paddy Ducklow 0 comments

Imagine that you count your personal resources — things like time, money, spirit, hope, skills, those kind of things. Consider these resources as 100%. Not that you have more or less resources than others, but what you have is your own 100%.

Now imagine that you have problems – this part is not very difficult!

So your problem could be a roof rat that is eating your birdseed (this is actually one of my current problems that I am figuring out how to solve).

Some problems are more complicated: you have been married for 18 years and you have two pretty good kids and a pretty good life, but you are bored. You want more. “Good enough” isn’t good enough any longer. What do you do? Quitting comes to mind. So does bombing the heck out of your spouse with insults, innuendoes and bitterness.

Try this first.

First, measure your problem: add up the good and pretty good in one column; and add up the boring and the frustrating in another column. (By the way, most boredom is actually anger or frustration.) See what percent or amount is problematic.

Now let’s say you have 20% problems compared to 80% that is pretty good. That is, when you write it all down and count it all up, you see that your problems are less than you thought. But you want to solve them nonetheless.

Here is where you might go wrong. With your 100% personal resources and 20% problems, how much of these resources will you invest into solving the problem?

Think about it.

If you invest all of your personal resources into solving the 20% problem, the problem inflates! It becomes cumbersome, awkward, and then eventually the unsolvable “elephant in the room.” The investment of the totality of your personal resources exacerbates the problem.

But if you invested 20% of your resources into your 20% problem, what would happen? Probably the problem would get solved without a whole lot of hoopla. And this leaves you with 80% of your resources left to celebrate and strengthen the good and the pretty good.

This is one of the hardest things to figure out in problem solving and conflict management. Bombing Afghanistan just doesn’t work.

“I’m Sorry” – The Steps of an Apology

in All Entries  by Paddy Ducklow 0 comments

Sometimes I feel like I am in the apology business. Helping kids make apologies to their parents (or the other way around), husbands to wives (it seems to go this way most often), organizations to individuals (e.g. when a church leadership apologizes for insensitivity to a neighbour who complains about a building project or a late night rock group) – this is some of what my work is.

“I’m sorry if I did something wrong” is not an apology. It is non-specific and the ‘if’ avoids personal responsibility. It is more of an inquiry than anything.

“I know that I hurt you by (e.g.) coming home late for dinner. It certainly was not my intent.” This is not an apology either – it is an acknowledgment. And it is a helpful acknowledgment to offer.

“The reason I was driving so fast was because you were late again — that’s why I’m so frustrated” is an explanation intended to spread out the responsibility and pain. Not an apology.

Here is an apology: “(1) I am sorry. (2) It is my fault. (3) Please forgive me.”

Imagine that the problem is about a woman’s insensitivity to her husband at a family get-together. Here is the apology: “I am sorry I left you out of the conversation with my family on Saturday. I know this isolates you and you feel lonely. And I know we talked about how I could include you. It is my fault. Will you forgive me for this?”

Every apology has (1) an honest expression of regret, (2) authentic accepting of responsibility and (3) a request for forgiveness. Without these three steps, what we think of as an apology is something else.

 

[You are welcome to comment on this blog or anything else you see on my website. Please suggest improvements or ideas, or just dialogue. Contact me at life@theducklows. Hear from you soon. Thanks.]