70 is My New 100

Like many other rabid Canadian hockey fans, I watched the Canada — United States final in men’s junior hockey where the US won 6 to 5 in overtime. The Canadians played as brilliantly as the US team and, as needs to happen in competitive sport, one team won. The US team put in more hockey pucks in the net than did the Canadians.

The defeat on the Canadian players’ faces made it clear that they could not appreciate the excellence of their game and the entertainment that they brought to millions of people. Their lack of ability to celebrate their success and even to smile, let alone be delighted in their silver medals, robbed them as it did us.

They couldn’t be grateful. They couldn’t be appreciative of the quality of their opponents. They couldn’t see further than their own losses. They wouldn’t celebrate the other’s victory. They couldn’t enjoy the excellence of being in the company of excellence. They couldn’t reflect on the reality that they have the privilege of doing what the rest of Canada only dreams of.

Being satisfied with only winning destroys much of life and everyday relationships. I see it in myself and I see it in my clients. Couples tell me about it. Teenagers complain about it.

Good is never good enough.

I tell my clients [and almost anyone else who will listen] that “70 is my new 100.” I also tell them that perfectionism does not help them do the job better, it only ensures that they will enjoy the success less.

Celebrating more, being grateful more, enjoying more, laughing more – these are the kind of “mores” that lead to success.

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

Christianity Today magazine has an informed and persuasive article on perfection and parenting. Find it at — http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/january/12.22.html

The subtitle reads, “why the best parenting techniques don’t produce Christian children.”

Needless to say, I loved the article and wished that I had written it! Leslie Leyland Fields is witty and wise, digging deeply into Biblical theology.

This is important stuff for the perfectionists and obsessives among us. It also has a very funny photo of an angelic redhead trying to be perfect!

“I WANT” — Entitlement Monsters and the Rolling Stones (Jan Bryant)

Recently, on a BC Ferry, I came around a corner to hear a tiny mite of three-year-old fury, screaming “I WANT __________” to her parents, who were doing their best to ignore both the child and the stares of the other passengers.

I can’t tell you what she wanted. When my children were young I told them: “If you start a sentence with the words “I want”, I stop listening.” I guess I still do.

I have seen far too many children get whatever they want from their parents by whining or screaming “I want” loudly and often enough until the parent gives in. These children are “entitlement monsters” who have been rewarded for this behaviour by parents who can’t or won’t say no. Unfortunately, their wants become larger and more expensive the older they get. We all know adults who still operate on this entitlement mentality and they make poor employees, bosses, friends, spouses and parents.

In my home, “I want ….” got no response. Ever.

So where do the Rolling Stones fit into this?

When my children were out in the world, in a store or park or rec. centre and said “I want …” I immediately and enthusiastically sang:

“You can’t always get what you want,

You can’t always get what you want.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes,

You just might find, you get what you need.”

Embarrassing? Not for me, but my children grew tired of the attention it drew.

My children had their needs met: love, my interest and encouragement, food, shelter, clothing, education, play, music, a sense of security and well being. If they needed new shoes, I let them know how much money we had to spend on the shoes and helped them discern the best shoe available for them.

They might “want” a $200 status shoe but they soon learned how to make the extra money if it was that important to them, and it rarely was. They also learned that if a whining or pleading “I want …” was heard, we went straight home and would try again another day.

Uttering “I want …” was never rewarded and so it disappeared from their language.

What else did they learn?

♦ The distinction between a want and a need – essential to achieving self-control and living a debt-free and satisfied life.Delayed gratification – a useful skill when you have to work to achieve something or when pressured to be sexually active.
♦ Not to determine their self-worth on the acquisition of material goods.
♦ Compassion and perspective – they weren’t the centre of the universe. The world and everyone in it did not exist to satisfy their wants.
♦ Sometimes you can get what you want but you usually have to work for it.
♦ To ask politely and co-operate. Your child will have better success in grade 1 by asking “does anyone have a blue crayon I can use?” than by shouting “I want a blue crayon.

Do try this at home.

Our guest blogger is Jan Bryant. She is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) in private practice. You can reach her at jfbryant@shaw.ca and her website at www.janbryant.ca Just don’t shout “I want.”

More Than a “Sounding Board”

On her intake form “Janice” (not her real name) requested some understanding about her underlying anxiety and her periodic depressions. She felt “at odds with herself” and immobilized with her boyfriend. She asked if I would act as her “sounding board” as she explored her family of origin and emotional history.

Hmm. I’ve never been much good at being mute and inanimate (except sometimes in family dinners) and I am seldom “bored” (I know that is not what she meant) when people tell me the intricacies of their lives. And I certainly don’t want to repeat back what she is saying and already knows.

Therapy is sometimes like a highly caffeinated life – provocative, frequently funny, intensely social, unexpected, almost always tearful, complex, sometimes argumentative. I think that my job as a therapist is to increase tension – rather than “saving,” more like stressing – so that my client-friend can be challenged into change, provoked into a less stuck life.

More “morphogenesis” than “homeostasis.”

Some weeks later, Janice commented – “This is not what I thought counselling was going to be like. I never know what is going to happen when I come here… and I am glad I don’t.”

More than a sounding board.

Simply Giving

Our family have been active supporters of Food for the Hungry, Canada for some years.

We are also involved with FH in doing community development work in a small town in the Mbale region of Uganda. All of our family members have visited and we have sponsored a number of children from the town of Bufukhula.

This Christmas you might wish to support this work. It is easy to do. Go to their web site (http://www.fhcanada.org/gift-guide/Africa-Mbale-Uganda) and contribute what you can. A small gift from you goes a long way.

Merry Christmas to you all!