Monday, February 13th, 2012
I am not a big fan of perfectionism though I am in awe of excellence. Watching the Sedins pass the puck, or my grandson laugh eating a mouthful of banana bread, or driving a Porsche 911 as fast as it should go — this is the experience of excellence.
But perfectionism robs the delight from a lovely object or a job well done. Perfectionism removes the joy from success and squashes creativity, courage and simple relationships while doing it.
You cannot find perfectionism and happiness in the soul of the same person — they are antithetical. Once a perfectionist succeeds, all he feels is relief, having dodged the bullet of failure one more time.
Perfectionism is the fear of failure. Whereas, excellence is the one who risks failure to succeed. There are excellent mothers and fathers, pastors and churches, kids and teens, students and professors (I am in the middle of marking academic papers from my teaching in Kenya last December), but none that are perfect.
Last week David (my son) and I went to hear Eric Bibb sing and play at Capilano University. An amazing concert with gorgeous sounds, and tearfully touching when Eric introduced 90 year old Leon Bibb, his mentor and beloved father. Father Bibb’s voice is not what it was perhaps but there was an even more excellent thing. Hearing the Bibbs sing with arms wrapped around each other, weeping with the friendship of many years, the music was transported. And here I was with my son. Excellent it was.
And more… I read a Psychology Today article on”Perfectionism” for a parenting class I am teaching this Saturday. It is worth reading.
Tags: differentiation, parenting
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Sunday, March 13th, 2011
No childhood is perfect but some are sure better than others. In my conversations with people who are hurt and harmed by parents and other adults (often by ignorance and neglect, but unhelpful just the same), I have figured out a few things that I would want every young parent to know.
1. In the movie “Avitar,” when the Na’vi meet, they greet each other with, “I see you.” This is validation that the person “is.” A child needs to be seen, validated, heard, respected. Then (s)he can see others too.
2. LOL means “laugh out loud” (as I am sure you know, though I just found this out a few months back). Homes need to be LOL places for both parents and kids. It helps make the family a “safe place.”
3. I think that “rules that relate” is an important idea. Not rules that are arbitrary or made up as life goes on, but connected to family held values and beliefs. Rules that make sense; this make sense to me.
4. I like families where adults and kids are free to dream. When my son was young he would dream about playing hockey with the Canucks. Tucking him into bed with this dream ensured sound sleeps and dreams of success.
5. Kids need respect like anyone else. So doing everything for a child reduces self-respect. Allowing a child to succeed at an age-appropriate task helps the child respect herself and the home to function like a team.
6. Atmosphere is important. An atmosphere where a child can fail and not feel the fool – I like that. This “creeping perfectionism thing” that so many parents hold over their kids hurts way more than it helps.
7. Families that celebrate a child’s success is great place for a child to grow up in. And a great place for a parent to re-parent himself / herself.
8. Families need other healthy adults (warm, understanding and non-possessive people) other than parents (like grandparents, church friends, neighbours), whom the child watches, enjoys and trusts.
Tags: families, home, parenting
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Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
My advice is “earlier than you think you should” and “more often than you think you ought.” Thankfully there are better informed people than me.
Eryn-Faye Frans is a sex educator and a long-standing friend (I have known her since she was born!). Formerly from Vancouver, Texas, Scotland, back to Texas and then Vancouver and now in Toronto — its been hard to keep up with her — Eryn-Faye is a great parent, a loyal church-type (though not at all “religious” in the stuffy meaning of that) and provides thoughtful and thorough advice and hope to couples who are finding their sex life less than lovely. (I actually don’t know how a sex educator could possibly be stuffy.)
And she knows about parenting. Her recent blog reports some recent research that advises:
* Spread out the conversations
* Use anatomically correct terms
* Don’t lie
* Don’t assume
* Don’t judge
* Pass it on
I found this advice helpful. I hope you do as well. And sign up for Eryn-Faye’s blog — you will learn lots of interesting stuff.
Tags: families, parenting, sex
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Saturday, July 10th, 2010
There once was a little boy who had a temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the backyard fence. The first day the boy drove 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to handle his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it. His father suggested that the boy pull out one nail for each day that he was able to handle his temper. The days passed. Eventually the young boy was able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand. He led him to the fence and said, “You have done very well. Now look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things or do things in anger, they leave a scar just like those holes. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ the wound is still there.”
An interesting parable for me. Anger and wounding is a big part of the therapy world, especially in working with couples and families. The wounds that have been collected fuel future anger. And the anger ventilated becomes a rehearsal for future anger dumping. The question is, “What do you do with the anger and hurt that are inevitable in any intimate relationship?”
Tags: conflict, counselling, emotions, parenting
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