Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010
I like solving problems – always have. I like to think triangularly, question appreciatively, figure out what has not worked before and suggest something that I think is brilliant, create a plan for real change, and measure the anticipated success. I was taught all this in grad school, some of my female friends tell me that this is such a “man thing,” but I have lived this as far back as I can remember – when I was 8 years old I tried marriage counselling with my folks! I think I did pretty good.
Now John Gottman comes along as a marital researcher and says that about two-thirds of relational problems are perpetual, like dandelions in the grass. Some troubles are unsolvable he says, and lots of arguments never accomplish a thing other than rehearsing for the next squabble. Never-ending — sounds discouraging.
Carole and I have a bunch of unsolvable problems, mostly the same ones we had when we were first married. No matter what I do to “persuade” (coerce) her to do what I want (or she me), the problems keep flowering. The solvable ones delude us into thinking that we are pretty good at conflict solving, and it’s true that we’ve had some dramatic successes. It is the unsolvable ones that really bug me.
Here are some perpetual problems that you are probably familiar with:
Personality or “your way in the world”: Who is the most introverted in the dyad and who is the most extroverted? (See previous blog.) This probably doesn’t change much. Neither does the tension between the one that is most emotionally intuitive with the one that is perseveringly logical. And some people are emotional stuffers (always have been) while their devoted other is pretty much a feeling gusher (always has been).
History: You can’t change a person’s history. The times in which you were born, and the ways in which you were raised, or dynamics in your family of origin – this is set in history. The goodness of your connection has a lot to do with how winsomely you accept each other’s life before you met.
Sensitivities: How do you react to failure, or criticism, or loneliness, or unpredictability, or being excluded from a group? This is well-wired by the time a child becomes an early teen.
Some things change really slowly. Things like your view of what success or failure means in life, or what a worldview might be. Our relationship to money, emotions, work, conflict are hard to change, but change they do.
Habits change slowly as well. If you are an early-to-bed kind of person and you are married to a late night email addict, this too can change. Savers always seem to marry spenders – at least in my practice. Maybe that is why they come to therapy. Habits change – slowly.
I have discovered that unsolvable problems require different strategies than solvable ones. First off, you need to be willing to distinguish solvable from unsolvable problems. Make two lists of your problems. What can be negotiated (solvable) and what cannot (unsolvable)? What is most important to you (grade this 1-3)? What can you let go?
Secondly, focus 80% of your resources towards the good things that you already do well. Show a little “benevolent disinterest” (differentiation) towards the problem areas. It is not a moral failure to take a break from working on faults while you celebrate the good stuff you do now. Over-focusing on problems (many of which you can’t solve anyway) is a serious waste of good humour and friendly faith.
Tags: conflict, couples, problem solving
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Friday, May 28th, 2010
One of the privileges of listening is that you get to learn. And I get to learn lots.
The other day a client told me about 4 levels of trust rebuilding when trauma has undermined a love relationship. Here are 4 questions that she uses to figure out if trust in her relationship can be rebuilt.
Do I trust that you are growing for you? Some people change just to appease the other and not because they have any interest in growing. You can only trust the change that is motivated by inner desire.
Do I trust that you are capable of the change that you want? Lots of people have good intent but this might not be enough to restore confidence in the relationship.
Do I trust that you are honest in what you say? Of course, there are levels of deceit and we all lie to ourselves. But do I see an honest attempt to be truthful in words and ways?
Do I trust that you will do what you say? Follow through is the big thing. Unless the person’s behaviour changes, it is hard to trust again.
I find these helpful questions when a friendship is violated by gossip, or when a partner promises to be clean and sober, or when a teenager needs to be bailed out from jail. Can I trust you?
Tags: conflict, couples, questions
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Sunday, April 11th, 2010
Why do men “look”?
Wives almost universally hate the glance. Feeling insulted, diminished, measured according to the “vital statistics” of another seemingly more attractive woman, she worries that her spouse is unsatisfied and unfaithful. “Can’t he just want me?” she complains.
The blameworthy husband responds, “What’d I do? This is how I’m wired and I didn’t wire me. Blame God if you want — just don’t blame me.” And then he turns on the Canucks pay-per-view, not wanting to suffer more because of it, but feeling judged and aware that he has done something wrong that he didn’t intend.
And she fumes.
Sound familiar? If so, you might wish to read a recent CNN article written by Dr. Louann Brizendine entitled “Love, Sex and the Male Brain.” She is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco. She is also the founder and director of the Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic and a longtime feminist. She wrote “The Female Brain” and just released “The Male Brain.”
Her bottom line: “The best advice I have for women is make peace with the male brain. Let men be men.”
Tags: conflict, couples, sex
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Thursday, March 11th, 2010
Imagine that you count your personal resources — things like time, money, spirit, hope, skills, those kind of things. Consider these resources as 100%. Not that you have more or less resources than others, but what you have is your own 100%.
Now imagine that you have problems – this part is not very difficult!
So your problem could be a roof rat that is eating your birdseed (this is actually one of my current problems that I am figuring out how to solve).
Some problems are more complicated: you have been married for 18 years and you have two pretty good kids and a pretty good life, but you are bored. You want more. “Good enough” isn’t good enough any longer. What do you do? Quitting comes to mind. So does bombing the heck out of your spouse with insults, innuendoes and bitterness.
Try this first.
First, measure your problem: add up the good and pretty good in one column; and add up the boring and the frustrating in another column. (By the way, most boredom is actually anger or frustration.) See what percent or amount is problematic.
Now let’s say you have 20% problems compared to 80% that is pretty good. That is, when you write it all down and count it all up, you see that your problems are less than you thought. But you want to solve them nonetheless.
Here is where you might go wrong. With your 100% personal resources and 20% problems, how much of these resources will you invest into solving the problem?
Think about it.
If you invest all of your personal resources into solving the 20% problem, the problem inflates! It becomes cumbersome, awkward, and then eventually the unsolvable “elephant in the room.” The investment of the totality of your personal resources exacerbates the problem.
But if you invested 20% of your resources into your 20% problem, what would happen? Probably the problem would get solved without a whole lot of hoopla. And this leaves you with 80% of your resources left to celebrate and strengthen the good and the pretty good.
This is one of the hardest things to figure out in problem solving and conflict management. Bombing Afghanistan just doesn’t work.
Tags: conflict, power, problem solving
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