I Am Especially Fond of You

Carole and I speak of our love for each other often. Sometimes too much for me, but still appreciated. She also speaks of what she likes of me – that I am attentive to her, that I think outside the box, that I am freer than I used to be. And, of course, I tell her that I am especially fond of her and those particular ways of which I am especially fond of. It always evokes a smile in us both. I feel secure and I think that she does too.

We have been married a long time and I am glad for it. I expect her to love me – what choice does she have after all these years? – but to be fond of me, that is something more.

I loved “The Shack” when I first read it. It made me question, wonder and weep. I love the idea of a black, matronly woman as God! Paul Young wrote this book for his kids as a Christmas gift and in a short period of time many thousands wanted to know what he was telling his children: that God was especially fond of them. I think that is what I want in my life – to know that God is especially fond of me. I know that this is what I want from my wife and my children. And I want them to know that I am especially fond of them too.

I know that I am not especially fond of me. Perhaps that is why to have God and others orient toward me in this way is a wonder.

Many people I see in my counselling practice don’t have anyone that they think is especially fond of them; spouse or child or friend or God. So they try to be perfect, hope to cause no offence, work to be right most of the time, hide from any conflict, all in the hope that someone might read through these adaptations and, perhaps, that the someone will discover something to be fond of.

Sound like you? Maybe sometimes.

Like the beautiful woman I met who had all the augmentations done to her face and body but could not find a man who was fond of her – the inside her. Or the painfully narcissistic young man who entranced everyone but could not make a relationship that would last. Or the grandfather who criticized his children and grandchildren and could not give up “correction” (as he called it) for fear that his loved ones would turn out as empty as him. How un-fond of a man to himself and his progeny.

But to be found as a person who is fond of others and to have others be fond of them. That is amazing.

The Shack movie is coming out shortly and I expect to be disappointed. Unless I discover again that God is especially fond of me and of you. I hope so. I believe so.

Go Easy, Go Gently, Go in Peace (a prayer for my clients)

 

Most of us pray sometimes and some of us pray a lot. I know that we have differing hopes and expectations of how we journey in our lives, and I also know that most people appreciate the prayers of others when we face crises and challenges.

I found this prayer somewhere (I can’t remember) and it has been meaningful to me. it is like a benediction (meaning “a good word”). It is called “Go Easy, Go Gently, Go In Peace.”

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

You may have to push forward, but you don’t have to push so hard.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do much so frantically. Move, but move faithfully, decisively, and deliberately in the plan of God.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Be urgent about the things that are urgent. Be easy about the things that are not essential. Pursuing the wrong urgencies may cause you to overrun the essential… and the important.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

In tragedy look for God when you can’t find meaning. In hopelessness find meaning when you can’t see God. Either way you will move ahead.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

The frantic and stressed actions of uncontrolled urgency are not the foundation for the wholesome walk. Nor does such anxiousness reflect the gracious intent of the Creator. The frantic cause you to fall further away from the calming confidence of God’s calling.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Know God’s identity for you and in you. You are His creation and His people. Allow your soul to be immersed in the many joys of God.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Go generously and walk thankfully into your work, your relationships, your leading, your family. Meet God in your hours, in your days. Let the pace of your life flow naturally toward its unforgettable completion.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Beginning or ending, planning or reflecting, hurting or healing, cherish each moment. Savour God’s guidance. Seek what’s really important. Surrender your soul to the simple peace of God’s leading and urging, to His beginning and ending.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Now go, with easiness towards yourself, with gentleness towards others and with peace in God.

Amen

It is Where I Belong

Someone asked me the other day why church is important to me. For me, it is sort of like asking why my family is important to me. It is where I belong.

I know lots of people and many I know well. Some of these people I may tell my story to and I listen to their experience too. But in church, like in my family, there is so much I don’t have to say to be known and know that my belonging is not questioned.

This is probably obvious but psychological research finds that a sense of belonging increases meaningfulness of life. We feel our lives are meaningful when we feel we belong. I think that this is one of the reasons why people marry (rather than “live together”) and why they marry when they discover they are pregnant. “I want my child to know she belongs” is what is often said.

Here is an idea: close your eyes for a minute and think of two people or groups to which you really belong. Now consider how much meaning you feel in your life. (I just did this with the thought of my two grandsons – our granddaughter is due any day now – and “out of the blue” I feel my life has meaning.)

Note: this is not about what others give me (recognition say) or provide for me (a place to be known); it is what I am when I am with them. Now I can clearly see this with Jasper and Lucas – I am Poppa. I know who I am, where I belong, and in the mystery of our shared “us,” I have meaning.

Some people don’t know they belong. I had 2 clients yesterday who basically said that to me. One was married (and she with 2 kids) and one was single, 37 years old and into weekend hooking up when what he really wants is to be married with kids and to belong.

I want them to have family, I want them to have church.

Contentment: A Simmering (Guest Blog)

The following is a blog by a client-friend who is deeply grappling with what it means to be human in relationships and what it means to be faithful to herself. She is easy to admire as she has gone through losses and discovered meaning. I hope you enjoy her thoughts.

Being 27 is something I have always wanted.  It seemed like the perfect age to me because I obviously would be engaged to a very successful man, have a very successful career, and be at the peak of my climb in my own social ladder.  I would attend my 10 year reunion and everyone would be envious of me.  Isn’t it funny how life always seems to stick out its tongue at you and yell, “GOTCHA!”?

Earlier this year I experienced the most intense heart break, and I was not sure I was going to going to get through it, let alone ever recover.  Instead of living one day at a time, I was literally existing one second at a time.  Slowly the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes to hours, and now I’ve found the hours have definitely turned to days.  But if you told me presently I would still be living one day at a time, relinquishing the last minute I had to keep my eyes open before I could retire to sleep, I would not have believed you.  Not me!  I thought I was far too smart and strong to ever live a 24 hour emotional day.  At times I find myself staring at my ceiling, picturing the heavens, and shouting silently, “When is my big break coming?”  It makes me so angry sometimes to think of how hard I have struggled, to get to this measly place in my life, that I often break down in tears just out of sheer frustration and emotional exhaustion.

In the past couple months, I have experienced a slow realization.  It has not been an epiphany, nor an “AHA!” moment, but a simmering feeling that either my outlook needed to change, or I would constantly be striving for the “something more”.  I currently have a job in finance, at one of the most successful new accessory companies in the world.  My boss is, for the most part, great, and my coworkers could be considered some of my closest friends.  I have a lot of responsibility at work, and although I do not get paid a lot right now, the experience I am gaining will be extremely valuable, should I ever decided to move on.  I have an amazing apartment in the heart of the city, and 2 absolutely lovely roommates who accompany it with me.  I even have a dog, who loves me so much, and gives me a reason to always get out of bed in the morning, even if I am having a dark day.  I have some of the best girlfriends in the city who have been there for me in my toughest times, and would never leave me.  My heart is healing slowly, and I am learning a lot about being datable.  I have enough money to keep me fed and go to the gym, which means I am healthy, and I can even contribute to my retirement savings plan!

While I don’t have the top of the line career, or a big ring on my finger symbolizing the amazing eternal love I’ve found, I do have a lot of things.  Once I started letting go of all the things I want to have, and focusing on what I do have, bits of light started floating into my life again.  I wouldn’t call the light happiness, but I would call it contentment.  I get a smirk on my face and peace sits on my heart when I think of all the things I do have.  This peace has led me to little things I need to work on in my life such as: being a better employee; not being so moody when things don’t go my way; trying to be less flakey and continue to commit to plans when I say I will; stop comparing every nice man in my life to my past relationship.  Contentment has led me to see the things in my life that are definitely attainable, and while a bigger salary will not make me a better person, this contentment will.

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