The following is a blog by a client-friend who is deeply grappling with what it means to be human in relationships and what it means to be faithful to herself. She is easy to admire as she has gone through losses and discovered meaning. I hope you enjoy her thoughts.
Being 27 is something I have always wanted. It seemed like the perfect age to me because I obviously would be engaged to a very successful man, have a very successful career, and be at the peak of my climb in my own social ladder. I would attend my 10 year reunion and everyone would be envious of me. Isn’t it funny how life always seems to stick out its tongue at you and yell, “GOTCHA!”?
Earlier this year I experienced the most intense heart break, and I was not sure I was going to going to get through it, let alone ever recover. Instead of living one day at a time, I was literally existing one second at a time. Slowly the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes to hours, and now I’ve found the hours have definitely turned to days. But if you told me presently I would still be living one day at a time, relinquishing the last minute I had to keep my eyes open before I could retire to sleep, I would not have believed you. Not me! I thought I was far too smart and strong to ever live a 24 hour emotional day. At times I find myself staring at my ceiling, picturing the heavens, and shouting silently, “When is my big break coming?” It makes me so angry sometimes to think of how hard I have struggled, to get to this measly place in my life, that I often break down in tears just out of sheer frustration and emotional exhaustion.
In the past couple months, I have experienced a slow realization. It has not been an epiphany, nor an “AHA!” moment, but a simmering feeling that either my outlook needed to change, or I would constantly be striving for the “something more”. I currently have a job in finance, at one of the most successful new accessory companies in the world. My boss is, for the most part, great, and my coworkers could be considered some of my closest friends. I have a lot of responsibility at work, and although I do not get paid a lot right now, the experience I am gaining will be extremely valuable, should I ever decided to move on. I have an amazing apartment in the heart of the city, and 2 absolutely lovely roommates who accompany it with me. I even have a dog, who loves me so much, and gives me a reason to always get out of bed in the morning, even if I am having a dark day. I have some of the best girlfriends in the city who have been there for me in my toughest times, and would never leave me. My heart is healing slowly, and I am learning a lot about being datable. I have enough money to keep me fed and go to the gym, which means I am healthy, and I can even contribute to my retirement savings plan!
While I don’t have the top of the line career, or a big ring on my finger symbolizing the amazing eternal love I’ve found, I do have a lot of things. Once I started letting go of all the things I want to have, and focusing on what I do have, bits of light started floating into my life again. I wouldn’t call the light happiness, but I would call it contentment. I get a smirk on my face and peace sits on my heart when I think of all the things I do have. This peace has led me to little things I need to work on in my life such as: being a better employee; not being so moody when things don’t go my way; trying to be less flakey and continue to commit to plans when I say I will; stop comparing every nice man in my life to my past relationship. Contentment has led me to see the things in my life that are definitely attainable, and while a bigger salary will not make me a better person, this contentment will.