I just got off a Skype call with a lovely couple who can’t make their sex life work. Married for just a few years and with a couple of kids, their intimacy is interrupted by occasional porn, premature ejaculation, and anxiety by self-judgement.
So I troop out lots of stuff that I know and some that they know too. Though on Skype they look a bit aghast by the objectivity of the ideas.
- The brain is the sex organ and that the genitals are just the conduits.
- Everybody has fantasies, its just that they are so often different.
- Porn breaks trust but this has as much to do with the self-critical spouse as the partner.
- Shared masturbation is a great idea when intercourse is a bit complicated.
I recommended that the couple talk about their fantasies and good memories. I suggested that the woman stimulate herself for several minutes each night before falling asleep. I helped them create a shared fantasy that was about their dating prior to marriage. I told them about the best positions for sex during pregnancy and how oral sex is often better for the wife than penile penetration. I advised them to give up the “ideal” of simultaneous orgasms for something more realistic. I told them that the woman should probably climax first to avoid premature ejaculation for the husband.
And then I remembered a great Harvard Medical article on “Tips to Improve Your Sex Life” and, sure enough, it says a lot better what I was thinking.
Still I was amazed what you could get accomplished on a cross-Canada Skype call. I hope the lines were secure.
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