My Life Now: An Alliteration of “P”s

Thinking About My Semi-retirement

My name is Paddy. I have been a psychologist, pastor and professor, an alliteration of “P”s. These days I am mostly a fellow pilgrim in the practice of personhood, a new set of “P”s. And I am a Poppa to my 3 grandkids.

To change primary letters for a moment, I would like to learn how to be a friend. This does not come easily to me. I think that I want to be a good friend but I am not naturally wired for it. I am used to influencing more than anything else. It seems to me that women do things together (“Let’s go shopping for shoes”) but men don’t go shopping for a new pair of pants. Men compete with and dismiss each other, often humorously. We men find our social lives through occupations (what occupies us like computers and fishing trips).

Unlike many friendships that seldom appeal, I deeply enjoy and am challenged by the people I visit with in counselling. I think of therapy as confronting, sometimes confusing, frequently funny and always pressing into change. And counselling is also a safe place to tell the truth and to grow. I think it is here that I have the privilege of being most honest and of being me. I think of these people as “client-friends.”

Carole laughs at me when I say I don’t have many friends. But with these good folk I mostly do not practice personhood. I settle for superficial catch-ups and positive gossip. I don’t think that I am so good at being a friend.

 

Time-IN, Not Out (Guest: Kristin Vandegriend)

Time-IN, Not Out (Guest Kristin Vandegriend)

I love “time-in.” When Carole is cross with me, she doesn’t usually send me to my room, but sometimes she freezes me out with her pointy glares and chilly words. (She won’t like me saying this.) But usually she does a time-in – she lets me work things out for a bit and then we talk and plan for a next time. There is always a next time.

Kristin Vandegriend is a friend who is doing time-ins masterfully with her little girl. I guess this is best used in parenting. You can read about it right here:

Back in the summer, we came across a parenting concept called “time in.”  The basic concept is that when a child is struggling, what they really need is connection, not isolation and distance. Instead of punishing with a “time out” which is isolating, we respond with choosing to stay in proximity to our child until they can calm down and find a better way to cope. We had tried “time out” before, but with disastrous results.

Several weeks ago, our 4-year-old daughter was having a hard time at the dinner table.  She was crying, screaming and hitting, behavior that is not acceptable in our home. Both my partner and I tag-teamed in trying to lay down boundaries with her and set expectations for behavior. It was really frustrating to see her behavior escalate and I could feel that I was starting to get angry as well.  But in the moment, I thought about how she must feel when it becomes a 2-against-1 battle.  It made me wonder if what she was simply asking for was to be heard and to feel a sense of connection (plus it was entirely possible that she was just really hungry as well.) I took her onto my lap and simply helped her eat her supper.  She calmed down almost immediately and once the intensity was over, we were able to dialogue about what had happened and our expectations for her behavior in the future.

In other situations, I have taken her into her room, set a timer and simply been with her while she calmed down.  On rare occasions, we make several trips back and forth to her room as she tries to regulate her behavior.  We practice some breathing and we talk about ways that we can help calm ourselves down when we get overwhelmed with emotion.  We address the inappropriate behaviors and outline expectations for more positive behaviors.

I don’t know if this strategy has worked for us because of who my daughter is or who I am.  But when I think about when I am upset, what I really want is deep empathy, to be loved despite my failings and to know that I am not alone.  So it makes me think that perhaps that this might actually be a deeper human desire and that children, in particular, need to know that they are not alone despite the ways that they may act.

Here is a further article from Positive Parenting Connection.

Thanks Kristin.

Go Easy, Go Gently, Go in Peace (a prayer for my clients)

 

Most of us pray sometimes and some of us pray a lot. I know that we have differing hopes and expectations of how we journey in our lives, and I also know that most people appreciate the prayers of others when we face crises and challenges.

I found this prayer somewhere (I can’t remember) and it has been meaningful to me. it is like a benediction (meaning “a good word”). It is called “Go Easy, Go Gently, Go In Peace.”

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

You may have to push forward, but you don’t have to push so hard.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do much so frantically. Move, but move faithfully, decisively, and deliberately in the plan of God.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Be urgent about the things that are urgent. Be easy about the things that are not essential. Pursuing the wrong urgencies may cause you to overrun the essential… and the important.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

In tragedy look for God when you can’t find meaning. In hopelessness find meaning when you can’t see God. Either way you will move ahead.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

The frantic and stressed actions of uncontrolled urgency are not the foundation for the wholesome walk. Nor does such anxiousness reflect the gracious intent of the Creator. The frantic cause you to fall further away from the calming confidence of God’s calling.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Know God’s identity for you and in you. You are His creation and His people. Allow your soul to be immersed in the many joys of God.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Go generously and walk thankfully into your work, your relationships, your leading, your family. Meet God in your hours, in your days. Let the pace of your life flow naturally toward its unforgettable completion.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Beginning or ending, planning or reflecting, hurting or healing, cherish each moment. Savour God’s guidance. Seek what’s really important. Surrender your soul to the simple peace of God’s leading and urging, to His beginning and ending.

Go easy. Go gently. Go in peace.

Now go, with easiness towards yourself, with gentleness towards others and with peace in God.

Amen

A Call for Restraint in the Age of the Opinion (Guest Blog)

The following blog comes from a client-friend who finds listening lost in the world of unconstrained opinions. This has been helpful to me.

 

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.[1]

I admit it; these days I’m as prone to get my news from my Facebook feed as I am from the New York Times. My hope is that trusted friends of mine will post legitimate links, and as I survey the field of opinions I may be able to wade through the myriad of information to arrive at some sense of an informed outlook.

Although social media is a helpful tool in this regard, I also cringe at the way many of us use and abuse our posting privileges. We are navigating new ground in this information age and many of us are making gut-wrenching mistakes along the way.

It seems to me that we need to recover the art of being slow to speak (or in this case post) about complex issues. Reading a few blog posts does not entitle us to expert-level truth claims. Though we are entitled to our opinions, too many of us project our minimally informed opinions as fact, unwilling to accept or engage with those who have researched the subject thoroughly.

What I fear is that, for all of our newfound ability to share information, we are losing the ability to communicate with one another. We don’t allow each other the space to sit with complexity, or the respect to disagree without breaking connection. With our quick-fire opinion bombs, we blow up our relationships for the sake of our truth. We unfriend our opponents, never having really taken the time to consider their perspective.

We amateurs ought to watch our words more carefully and hold our perspectives a bit more loosely. We do not know the extent of the harm our words may cause, or the relational cost we may incur in our unbending expression of personal opinion. Perhaps, in some cases, it is better to hold our tongue and keep our friends for the time being.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t speak up about injustice, or that we shouldn’t stand for equality or other important issues. What I am saying is that we need to acknowledge our own limited perspective and grant others leeway to do the same.

This age, with all its technological wonders, offers unprecedented opportunity to dialogue and inform one another. May we be those who foster grace and humility, rather than antagonism. In other words, may we be “quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry;” (James 1:19, NIV). Amen.

[1] This quote has been variously attributed to Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, and Maurice Switzer. It’s more positively stated alternative is found in Proverbs 17:28: “Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues” (NIV).

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