Pre-Judging Others

I think of prejudice as social, spiritual, intellectual laziness. It is also uninformed, undifferentiated, a cheap laugh at the expense of someone with feelings and aspirations.

Prejudice comes in lots of flavours. I remember in the 60s (those were my undergraduate years at SFU and the time of the Beatles) that we were told that Vietnamese peasants don’t feel feelings like “we” do. If I remember correctly, this was an argument for escalating the bombing.

Chinese drivers, homosexual degeneracy, women’s emotionality, native drunkenness, “if you can’t do it, teach it” (this was laughingly said to a teacher friend of mine the other day), Jewish political insidiousness, why women can’t preach in the church – there are lots of ways of pre-judging people.

Prejudice serves the relational task of keeping a grouping of people at a distance, whether they are men (“we all know what they want”), or teenagers (“indulged and lazy”), the poor (“they are probably drunks”). Prejudice conserves time and energy – those prejudged become depersonalized “others” not worth the time and energy to find out what they think and believe and feel.

This is becoming a rant and perhaps this is the reason why. I was assumed to be a “religious fundamentalist” in a psychology journal I was reading a while back. It wasn’t only me the author was writing about, but people like me. But it wasn’t the me that my friends and clients know — it was a stylized “stick me,” without depth or texture. And if I was like the “stick me” that was so efficiently dismissed, I would have done the same.

To judge people who love God, devote their lives to worship, and offer their time and finances in service to others, as “fundamentalists” is, it seems to me, religious profiling. I say this about Christians, or Jews, or Muslims, or Sikhs and all others who endeavor to discern God.

The term “fundamentalist” has been used so casually in describing anyone who holds some sort of faith belief – be they a TV preacher, a Hasidic rabbi, a Mormon housewife, or a soldier of the Islamic Jihad – that the word has become hopelessly prejudicial. To call a worshipper a fundamentalist is the racial and social equivalent of calling a black Canadian a “nigger.”

Makes me sad to think about how often God-worshippers like me have pre-judged others.

Intent Listening is Indistinguishable from Love

A friend told me this – “intent listening is indistinguishable from love.” He meant this as a comment on my listening work, not on my need to be deeply and patiently heard.

I think that I am a listening purist. I don’t want listening to be cluttered with rephrasing, or questions that are supposed to expand my point of view, or “advanced accurate empathy,” or summary statements that are designed to show me that you hear what I am saying.

I just want you to listen intently, without glazing over. And I don’t even need to know your point of view on what I am saying.

My life is cluttered, as is probably yours. When I am listened to, my life becomes somehow less cluttered.

The other day I asked Carole to “just listen to me” without prejudice (my thoughts on “prejudice” in a future blog) and without comment. Being heard by Carole was an amazing experience. I realized that I am more used to listening to others than being listened to, and I really liked being heard! I realized that while the tensions didn’t lessen, nor were the problems solved, my icy grip on them relaxed and I was more at peace.

You might want to try “just listening” with people you care about. You might also ask someone to “just listen” to you.

[You are invited to share your ideas, challenges or anything else on this blog or on my website by emailing me at life@theducklows.ca. I will be sure to respond.]

“Who Knows What Is Good and What Is Bad?”

Today we are in Tallinn, Estonia unable to return home due to the volcanic ash from Iceland that has throttled European air traffic causing loss and hardship to many. Our losses are minimal but we experience them nonetheless.

In response to our circumstance, Laura North a friend and well-known Vancouver life coach sent me the following story.

Laura says, “Most of us divide our life experiences into those we like and those we don’t. But good things come from bad experiences and bad things follow from good experiences. It is better to accept the wholeness of life.”

Here is the story.

When a farmer’s stallion wins a prize at a county show, his neighbour calls round to congratulate him, but the old farmer says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” The next day some thieves come and steal his valuable animal. His neighbour comes to commiserate with him, but the old man replies, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” A few days later the spirited stallion escapes from the thieves and joins a herd of wild mares, leading them back to the farm. The neighbour calls to share the farmer’s joy, but the farmer says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” The following day while trying to break in one of the wild mares, the farmer’s son is thrown and fractures his leg. The neighbour calls to share the farmer’s sorrow, but the old man’s attitude remains the same as before. The following week the army passes by, forcibly conscripting soldiers for war, but they do not take the farmer’s son because he cannot walk. The neighbour thinks to himself, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” and realizes that the old farmer must be a Taoist sage.

Love, Sex and the Male Brain

Why do men “look”?

Wives almost universally hate the glance. Feeling insulted, diminished, measured according to the “vital statistics” of another seemingly more attractive woman, she worries that her spouse is unsatisfied and unfaithful. “Can’t he just want me?” she complains.

The blameworthy husband responds, “What’d I do? This is how I’m wired and I didn’t wire me. Blame God if you want — just don’t blame me.” And then he turns on the Canucks pay-per-view, not wanting to suffer more because of it, but feeling judged and aware that he has done something wrong that he didn’t intend.

And she fumes.

Sound familiar? If so, you might wish to read a recent CNN article written by Dr. Louann Brizendine entitled “Love, Sex and the Male Brain.” She is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco. She is also the founder and director of the Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic and a longtime feminist. She wrote “The Female Brain” and just released “The Male Brain.”

Her bottom line: “The best advice I have for women is make peace with the male brain. Let men be men.”