Monday, March 22nd, 2010
The most influential thinker in the fifth century BC was Socrates whose dedication to careful reasoning is expressed in the aphorism that “the unexamined life is not worth living” (Apology 38a).
So how does one identify a life worth living?
Conversation, information, friendship, challenge, care – these are some of the elements that enable a life examination.
Also, unbiased psychological and vocational assessments and interviews – what we call Life ID – are helpful components in the process of identity discovery for adults in personal, relational and vocational work or transition. These kind of life changes call out for an examination of our lives so that we don’t make the same mistakes again and so that we can add wisdom to our experience.
We all have an identity – the person we know we are and the person that is lived out in our relational world. We can identify ourselves … mostly.
But there are hidden parts of our lives, aspects of our personalities that others can see but that we are blind to. Our “blindness” is carried into our family, business and team worlds and it is this area that limits our leadership and personal success.
For more about a psychological audit for your vocational and personal life, see “Life ID: Assessments for Life.”
Tags: psych assessment, questions
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Thursday, March 18th, 2010
Couple therapy is always about sex therapy eventually. It may not be the first thing mentioned but it comes up long before the 3rd thing, whatever that might be.
I think of 4 levels of sexual hunger for wives and husbands.
Won’t or Would (but) — Couples avoid sexual intimacy for lots of reasons (e.g. broken trust, lack of practice, fears, medical difficulties, etc.). When couples “won’t,” or “I would if you weren’t such a ______,” anger builds and the relationship becomes cold and parallel, only joined by non-intimate things.
Waiting or Watching — Some couples are watching for the other to prove their desire, rather than initiate themselves. They are “waiters,” hoping for more and usually blaming the other for the lack of sexual friendship they experience. Sometimes people are waiting for the right context or response, like a Jamaican holiday.
Willing or Welcoming — The willing spouse (usually the woman) will satisfy the sexual desires of the other (usually the husband) but not be satisfied themselves. This is like being a missionary to the sexual needs of the spouse.
Wanting or Wishing – This is sexual hunger, a loving lust and longing that produces a marvelous merging. That is, if both partners are on the same step.
Sometimes one partner is on one step (e.g. a sad waiting) and the other is on another (e.g. a needy wanting). Frustration and fractious conflict is usually the result of this misstep.
At other times the couple are together on step 1 (e.g. exhausted from work and caring for a sick infant) and at other times they luxuriate at level 4.
I tell you this to give you a vocabulary for your sexual hunger. It helps to know where your spouse “is” rather than guess. It helps to know where you are as well.
Tags: couples, sex
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Tuesday, March 16th, 2010
“Masks of Melancholy” is the name of a book on depression written by a friend, Dr. John White, who was a psychiatrist and a church leader (he died several years ago). This phrase has always struck me as a great description of depression. John was bipolar and he knew a lot about “The Masks People Wear” (see an article on my web site about such masks).
Depression puts on a mask. The mask can look needy or agitated or “pissed off” or apathetic and all kinds of other miserable things. The mask depends pretty much on our genetic wiring and what was emotionally practiced in our family of origin.
I have been depressed lately. I visit this state periodically like I am checking in with how bad life can really be. My mask is “agitated anger.” People I love bug me. I long to be left alone but I am lonely when no one is around. I ask for help in a way that keeps anyone from really caring. I isolate when I want to connect. Even coffee and chocolate (both vital food groups) fail to inspire me. “Pissed off” pretty much summarizes how I feel it. “Stay away” is what my mask reads to others.
So now that I have told you more than you want to hear, let me refer you to some resources that might be helpful to you.
Visit Wing of Madness to learn what depression and anxiety are all about — it is a great resource. As well, take a look at the Mayo Clinic screening test for depression. This assessment will give you a pretty accurate reading of where your emotions are right now. Print off the results and take it to your doctor or counsellor if you wish. (If you are visiting with Carole or me, do bring the results with you.)
As for me and my treatment, I think I am going to take off my mask (it doesn’t fit very well, anyway), visit Crema Café a few blocks from my office in West Vancouver, eat a piece of their wheat-free chocolate cake, and drink a grande latte. It won’t cure my depression but it does put a smile on my face.
Tags: counselling, emotions
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Thursday, March 11th, 2010
Imagine that you count your personal resources — things like time, money, spirit, hope, skills, those kind of things. Consider these resources as 100%. Not that you have more or less resources than others, but what you have is your own 100%.
Now imagine that you have problems – this part is not very difficult!
So your problem could be a roof rat that is eating your birdseed (this is actually one of my current problems that I am figuring out how to solve).
Some problems are more complicated: you have been married for 18 years and you have two pretty good kids and a pretty good life, but you are bored. You want more. “Good enough” isn’t good enough any longer. What do you do? Quitting comes to mind. So does bombing the heck out of your spouse with insults, innuendoes and bitterness.
Try this first.
First, measure your problem: add up the good and pretty good in one column; and add up the boring and the frustrating in another column. (By the way, most boredom is actually anger or frustration.) See what percent or amount is problematic.
Now let’s say you have 20% problems compared to 80% that is pretty good. That is, when you write it all down and count it all up, you see that your problems are less than you thought. But you want to solve them nonetheless.
Here is where you might go wrong. With your 100% personal resources and 20% problems, how much of these resources will you invest into solving the problem?
Think about it.
If you invest all of your personal resources into solving the 20% problem, the problem inflates! It becomes cumbersome, awkward, and then eventually the unsolvable “elephant in the room.” The investment of the totality of your personal resources exacerbates the problem.
But if you invested 20% of your resources into your 20% problem, what would happen? Probably the problem would get solved without a whole lot of hoopla. And this leaves you with 80% of your resources left to celebrate and strengthen the good and the pretty good.
This is one of the hardest things to figure out in problem solving and conflict management. Bombing Afghanistan just doesn’t work.
Tags: conflict, power, problem solving
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