Saturday, January 30th, 2010
In October 2007, Krista Tippett interviewed Jean Vanier, the founder of L’Arche. Tippett is the host of “Speaking of Faith” on American Public Media, one of my favourite blog sites and a source of great spiritual-theological gain for me.
Of all of Tippett’s interviews, this interview with Jean Vanier is spectacular — I would say life transforming!
The 90 minute video is a much better investment than watching another edition of “House” (also a favourite of mine!) and you can also download an abbreviated version for your iPod so you can listen to Vanier’s “wisdom of tenderness” while walking or working out at the gym.
Find the interview at http://vimeo.com/462130.
Tags: power, theology, wisdom
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Sunday, January 24th, 2010
Christianity Today magazine has an informed and persuasive article on perfection and parenting. Find it at — http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/january/12.22.html
The subtitle reads, “why the best parenting techniques don’t produce Christian children.”
Needless to say, I loved the article and wished that I had written it! Leslie Leyland Fields is witty and wise, digging deeply into Biblical theology.
This is important stuff for the perfectionists and obsessives among us. It also has a very funny photo of an angelic redhead trying to be perfect!
Tags: parenting, wisdom
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Sunday, January 24th, 2010
Conflict and relationships go together. A conflict-free marriage is an oxymoron.
Why? People mature at different rates; they have different values (some they don’t even know they have); and people see and experience the world differently. And all of this leads to tension that can result in conflict. And sometimes we wonder if marriage is worth it.
These are the kinds of issues my clients bring to couple therapy. Think about these questions for you and your marriage.
• If you had to create a short list of people you could spend the day with, would your spouse be on that list? Do you genuinely enjoy each other’s company? Do you laugh when you’re together?
• Do you have the same or similar values, goals and interests? Do you and your spouse enjoy doing some or lots of things together? Do the two of you want the same things out of life?
• Do you express a lot of affection and appreciation for each other? Or is there mostly indifference, negativity and hostility in your relationship?
• Do you feel understood when you are talking with your partner? Does your spouse try to see your point of view? When discussing things, does your husband or wife listen to what you have to say?
• Is your relationship usually based on fairness? Does your spouse see you as an equal? Do you feel you are treated with respect? Or do you feel used, exploited, or taken for granted?
Do you feel that your spouse will be there for you in a time of need? Can you count on your spouse for help when the going gets tough?
• Do you feel comfortable sharing your private thoughts with your spouse? How easy is it for you to talk to your spouse about sensitive issues?
• When you disagree with each other, do the two of you work together and try to resolve your differences? Or is there a lot of hostility, disregard and contempt when disagreements arise?
• Does your spouse care for you sexually? Do you make love pretty regularly? Or are you disappointed or frustrated with your affection?
The pain can be huge. This happens when conflict spikes and shared pleasures plummet. And even at these times, working on your marriage is always worth it.
Tags: conflict, counselling, couples, marriage
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Friday, January 22nd, 2010
Recently, on a BC Ferry, I came around a corner to hear a tiny mite of three-year-old fury, screaming “I WANT __________” to her parents, who were doing their best to ignore both the child and the stares of the other passengers.
I can’t tell you what she wanted. When my children were young I told them: “If you start a sentence with the words “I want”, I stop listening.” I guess I still do.
I have seen far too many children get whatever they want from their parents by whining or screaming “I want” loudly and often enough until the parent gives in. These children are “entitlement monsters” who have been rewarded for this behaviour by parents who can’t or won’t say no. Unfortunately, their wants become larger and more expensive the older they get. We all know adults who still operate on this entitlement mentality and they make poor employees, bosses, friends, spouses and parents.
In my home, “I want ….” got no response. Ever.
So where do the Rolling Stones fit into this?
When my children were out in the world, in a store or park or rec. centre and said “I want …” I immediately and enthusiastically sang:
“You can’t always get what you want,
You can’t always get what you want.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes,
You just might find, you get what you need.”
Embarrassing? Not for me, but my children grew tired of the attention it drew.
My children had their needs met: love, my interest and encouragement, food, shelter, clothing, education, play, music, a sense of security and well being. If they needed new shoes, I let them know how much money we had to spend on the shoes and helped them discern the best shoe available for them.
They might “want” a $200 status shoe but they soon learned how to make the extra money if it was that important to them, and it rarely was. They also learned that if a whining or pleading “I want …” was heard, we went straight home and would try again another day.
Uttering “I want …” was never rewarded and so it disappeared from their language.
What else did they learn?
♦ The distinction between a want and a need – essential to achieving self-control and living a debt-free and satisfied life.Delayed gratification – a useful skill when you have to work to achieve something or when pressured to be sexually active.
♦ Not to determine their self-worth on the acquisition of material goods.
♦ Compassion and perspective – they weren’t the centre of the universe. The world and everyone in it did not exist to satisfy their wants.
♦ Sometimes you can get what you want but you usually have to work for it.
♦ To ask politely and co-operate. Your child will have better success in grade 1 by asking “does anyone have a blue crayon I can use?” than by shouting “I want a blue crayon.
Do try this at home.
Our guest blogger is Jan Bryant. She is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) in private practice. You can reach her at jfbryant@shaw.ca and her website at www.janbryant.ca Just don’t shout “I want.”
Tags: conflict, parenting
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